This is a very helpful way of putting it, thank you. It makes me think: Sometimes, when people say, "If you're trans, you aren't really a man/woman or at least I don't perceive you as such," I tend to assume they're referring to whether I "pass" as my gender when we brush elbows as strangers or colleagues. To me, that seems like one of the most literal meanings of their words. So I imagine the "correct" reply (were they to care to hear it) would be that everyone does indeed perceive me as a member of my gender, in part because that's how I choose to present myself and function in the world — a reply that also starts to get at the question of what I actually am. But my interpretation of their words is based on my own assumptions/experiences of what gender is in my life (e.g., my having put historical effort into transitioning so I "pass"). They might not be asking about how I function as a gendered person in the world, but might instead be asking something much different, in a dig-the-needle-in way: "What good are you?"