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I Decided Not to Think in Terms of ‘Settling’
It’s past 39 o’clock for me, and that’s fine. I follow joy.
Ten years ago, I read a book that advocated toning down one’s fantasies about a perfect mate who doesn’t exist and just accepting some more ordinary person on the premise that it’s better to be with a real person than with no one at all.
I’d expected the author to talk about settling for a partner in a more abstract way. I’d hoped the book might, for example, address a question like: Why would we conceive of ourselves as enjoying less in our current, real relationships than we might have enjoyed in our past, future, or imaginary relationships? Indeed, a fictional relationship is a poor benchmark by which to value whoever and whatever is here. Right?
But that wasn’t the book’s topic. Instead, it uncritically repeated the notion that some people are objectively more attractive and marriageable than others. I somehow doubted the author truly believed this, but that’s the language she used, and that’s how she offered practical coaching on finding an appropriate mate.
Something like: If you’re a “6 out of 10,” why would you hold out for a 9 who realistically isn’t coming? Marry another 6 or even a 5. It’s better than being alone.
The Marriage Advice Book Wasn’t Meant For Me
The book wasn’t written for me, and I had to read it to figure that out. It was written mostly for people who wanted to make biological babies and were running out of time.
Regardless, I was so mad about the book.
(I was so mad that my gay relationship was ending.)
What It Said
The author’s thesis, as I described it loosely at the time:
Young ladies wait too long to settle down and start a family, expecting Prince Charming to show up any minute, and when their biological clock rings the alarm at 39 o’clock, it’s usually too late. Only then do they realize that they long ago declined shorter-than-average Prince Charming’s overtures—his height seemed unacceptable at the time but in retrospect would have been fine — and that he never needed them and is now happily married to someone else.
