I'm a trans man married to a cis man. It would have been helpful to me if I'd found articles like this many years ago!
Between gay/bi men (trans and cis), I think this argument/confusion happens on multiple levels, including by seeking fixed, universal concepts of sexuality/gender where there are none to be found. The idea of sexual orientation is an oversimplification, just as the ideas of gender and sex are oversimplifications. Individually, we each have a sense of our own sexuality, but we can't always successfully generalize our interior consciousness to others, as they may feel differently about themselves.
A big piece of the disconnect — not detailed in your article, at least not quite in these terms — is when and how the "trans" disclosure happens. That's as much about communication style as it is about body types. Communication is a big part of interpersonal chemistry. The way I choose to disclose my trans status in any given moment may not be objectively good or bad, but the person I'm speaking to will inevitably have their own subjective comfort level with whatever I say, as well as their own ability to respond and be in conversation with me, and their perceptions will affect how they feel about me.
No one "has" to date anyone; that's not consensual, and it isn't individual or collective liberation. Moreover, I wouldn't want anyone to date me merely from pity or guilt or shame.
I would like people to:
1. Recognize that trans people exist, and put some thought into what this means on a basic level, for example, that people have different body features and different feelings about our bodies, and we need basic rights, including to decide our own identity labels, to change our bodies, to be public or private about our "trans" status, and so on—and since we trans people are in the world, could cis people please realize that they might encounter us in some context (and that they may or may not perceive us as trans when they first meet us, or ever). If cis people think about this possibility ahead of time, they can prepare themselves and have some context for understanding whatever the interaction may be, and they can improve their end of the interaction. (Trans people are already always thinking about how we interact with cis people.)
2. If any of us wants or needs to reject someone romantically/sexually based on their gender/body — because we have examined or unexamined prejudices, or we have trauma, or we don't want to deal with someone else's body dysphoria because we already have our own body dysphoria, or we have highly specific sexual interests, or we can't comprehend or communicate well with that person, or one of us is more "out" or "obvious" and the other is more "closeted" or "private," or we know very well that our housemate is prejudiced and we don't want to expose a lover to harm, or for whatever reason or non-reason we're just not ready for that person or truly interested in them—could we all please try not to be rude to the person, since the person's gender/body is not that person's "fault" and the person can't do anything with this "feedback", and our preferences, prejudices, privacy levels, and (in)abilities are ultimately about us.
3. A bigger request: If all of us are more aware and inclusive of others in our whole lives, all the time, we'll foster spaces where different people interact in different ways, and this will help everyone find "their people." I'm not concerned if a person (trans or cis) has a private understanding of their own sexuality that involves having cis-only partners (that is, whether they're looking for one partner or a hundred, they think they want all of them to be cis), or if they aren't interested in finding a new partner at all (because they already have one, and one is enough for them, or maybe they're just very busy with work this week). I'm more worried if the way they build community, as well as the way they fight for political liberation, excludes trans people, because that will end up preventing or discouraging more cis people from socializing with trans people when in fact it might be part of some of those cis and trans people's personal desires to find each other and to be in cis-trans partnerships. There's no reason to marginalize cis/trans or trans/trans relationships within gay community. We can celebrate, acknowledge, and encourage trans people existing and having relationships even if we ourselves are currently fantasizing about and looking for a cis person. The request is that we don't just run with the permission "it's OK to date cis people exclusively" and leave it at that, but that we really actively do the celebration of trans and nonbinary people so everyone is socially included and finds their own excellent matches.
