In High Conflict, Is the Growth Worth the Drama?

Feelings may become reasonable over time

In a charged situation, a conflict-averse person worries over how upset they are likely to feel if they engage in the fray.

Once, I doodled in my notebook, predicting how I might feel about a hypothetical conflict.

My chart looked something like this.

My reasoning:

When the conflict begins (see below), the flaws in the system are exposed, the dirty laundry is aired, the problem is unresolved, and I haven’t yet learned what I am going to learn from it. This is peak upset. I don’t have good reason for these feelings, in the sense of a reason that is logical, makes sense to others, and holds true over the long term. I am simply reacting to the newness. The newness is triggering a stress response.

As the conflict wears on (see below), I wise up to the underlying causes, learn to manage my feelings and hold myself together, pick my battles a little better, and begin to adapt to this particular conflict as a new default state. Consequently, my stress level drops. This would be a good time to wrap up the episode and leave it in the past (as much as possible).

If the conflict persists (see below), I may learn from it, but I’ll be fighting an unwinnable war — whether external or primarily in my own head. By prolonging the war, I prolong my upset. The conflict is more wheel-spinning than transformative. There is no goal anymore. It’s passed the point where it should have ended. That’s why it’s upsetting. My emotions are giving me useful feedback. A better approach might be to jump off this trendline, stop stirring the pot, and learn from stillness instead.